Worried a bit, created by best man’s speech booklet thingy.
The wedding was only about a 20 minutes drive away from y house but because I was the best man and knew I would have to stay till the end we decided to get a hotel just down the road from the venue.
Kel & I checked in before 2pm and sometime before she was dressed and I suited as we arrived at the pub and waited for the groom to arrive.
It was a registry office ceremony but the place was pleasant enough for what it needed to do and had enough space to seat most of the crowd comfortably. I was at the front next to Doug’s Mum and the only job I had was to keep hold of the rings and place them on the table in front of their respective owners when given the go ahead.
Doug looked dapper in his Dr Who like brown suit and Lindsey looked fab in her light blue dress. I didn’t look to bad too for a chunky fella in an almost tight suit with long hair and a scruff beard :)
The oldies and the dodgy limbed got mini buses up the road to the venue while the rest of us walked the 10 minutes past thousands of football fans as the venue was right next door to the football ground.
It was on the 2nd floor but it was done up to look like a cave. There was 4 tables on the main floor with other seating round the edge and a circular table on the stage that held the bride, groom, brides parents, grooms Mum and me :) We even had access to the good champagne. No Moet no showay, no chandon no bandon :)
The food was lovely. It was a queue up and get your food half buffet style but with catering staff who would serve up the meats (salmon, turkey, beef, ham). We ate this while chatting away and listening to the tunes that Doug had arranged on his mp3 player connected to a hired sound system.
It was after 7pm when the speeches began starting with Lindsey (the bride), Lindsey’s Dad, Doug and then me.
I was a little nervous but then again I think I’m not that bad at public speaking, depending on the crowd, venue and of course what I have to say. Mine went something like this (but with a few added bits when ideas hit).
Thankyou to my support act
As well as being the last time you will speak for both of you it’s also the last time you’ll ever speak without being interrupted, or maybe get to speak full stop.
May I start by thanking Doug on behalf of the Bridesmaids’ Pally and Debs for his kind words. I’d also like to add my own compliments on an excellent job they have done today.
They are only eclipsed by Lindsey herself who I’m sure you’ll agree looks stunning today, as for Doug well he just looks stunned.
First off you can rest assure that unlike most best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Doug and Lindsey that if there is anything slightly risqué then I’ll whip it out immediately ;)
I thought I would be a bit nervous up here so I got some advice. I was told to imagine that the entire audience is naked.
You should get some ointment on that.
I'll see you later ;)
Hey it doesn’t work the other way round.
Oh, and I see you made the right choice Lindsey.
The first time I met Lindsey I went to shake her hand and she responded by doing this: (*thumb to nose*) thhhhhp. I think I knew then that she would be the right one for Doug.
I can think of no one more deserving of a good husband than you Lindsey… So we are eternally thankful that Doug married you before you could find one.
Marriage is a lot like the TARDIS. It’s bigger once you get into it and can take you to many great places. Although a marriage doesn't run on Zeiton 7, artron energy and a trachoid time crystal. Although it is rumoured that these are the things hidden in the box under Doug’s bed. Only he knows for sure, he and inflatable-Princess-Leah.com.
Instead the only things needed for it to function is 2 people eager to go on adventures together, to the end of time, and with at least one sonic screwdriver between them. But Doug you must remember not to get your sonic screwdriver out in public as you caused a lot of trouble with it last time.
If time were to have ran the right way then Doug and Lindsey should have met years before they did. But in this vast universe it’s still magical when 2 people meant for each other can meet and fall in love.
Some people say he’s from a different planet so I guess Doug is Dr Who, a man with 2 hearts, plenty of knowledge, some bad jokes, future technology, some bad jokes and also some interesting looks through the years.
With all this technology it’s possible that Lindsey might start talking like a computer nerd just like Doug. She might start refering going for a pee as downloading. Just be careful tonight when Doug suggests getting his camera out and doing some “uploading”.
On the stag doo I got the guys to write down a few words about Doug during the day. They said things like - I didn’t know he ate carrots for dinner, you owe me a fiver, how did Nick survive after eating a Rock City burger? Did Neil’s shirt ever dry after all that sweaty dancing. Just where did Martin end up after dancing for 3 hours? ooh I can’t say that, *throw away card*, *throw away card*. Oh here’s one from Doug himself - I didn’t know I ate carrots for dinner.
Seriously though I don’t think he did throw up (well not externally anyway) but he did manage to pull on the night. Yep he pulled his neck and his back as he pulled some mean moves on the dancefloor that night which I hope to see replicated tonight by you lot.
Did you know that Doug Holmes is an anagram of Sludge Homo, or that Lindsey Smith is an anagram of Misled Shy Nit. But most importantly Doug And Lindsey is (nearly) an anagram of Adds Undying Love, it’s also an anagram of Suddenly I Gonad but I don’t really know what that means. Doug, Lindsey. Do you ever suddenly Gonad?
Some evenings Lindsey likes to have a couple… glasses of wine that is, and it is true that men are like a fine wine..
They start out like grapes and it’s your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.
Doug also said that he wanted to be a model husband, a model citizen and a model lover. I looked up 'model' in the dictionary, and found it to be 'a small, miniature replica of the real thing'.
Now it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to stand.
Now it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to stand.
Now it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to stand
I know you’re all standing but it just gives me great pleasure :)
Could you all raise your glasses for some very important people, for without them the day would not be the same,
Would raise your glasses in a toast to
The bar staff!!
If you could please raise your glasses in a toast to Doug & Lindsey, a glowing recommendation that dating websites actually do work and can put 2 people together, who deserve to be together :)
Mr and Mrs Holmes
Doug and Lindsey
THE BRIDE AND GROOM
On an almost final note I have a request from Doug.
For Sale. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica.
No longer needed. Just Married.
Wife knows everything.
This afternoon we were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure, conceived by our friends, Doug... and Lindsey. This great couple are dedicated to a proposition which was true in past times, just as it's true today.
Be excellent to each other.
PARTY ON, DUDES!
It went really well and led the way into the 4 hour disco which started off with the first dance which anyone could join in with if they liked. So I grabbed my lady and slow danced to Harry Connick, Jr. - It Had To Be You and then boogied as much as possible during the night to the likes of:-
Queen - Crazy Little Thing Called Love
The Black Crowes - Hard to Handle
Faces - Stay With Me
Thunder - Backstreet Symphony
AC/DC - Highway To Hell
Ozzy Osbourne - Dreamer
Whitesnake - Is This Love
Huey Lewis and The News - The Power Of Love
Van Halen - Why Can't This Be Love
The Beatles - Get Back
The Zutons - You Will You Won't
The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love
Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine
Bryan Adams - Summer Of 69
Terrorvision - Oblivion
Madness - Baggy Trousers (which included customary everybody point at my trousers dance)
The Foundations - Build Me Up Buttercup
Tom Jones - Delilah
And ending it all was Frank Sinatra – My Way
By 1am I was tucked up in bed and slept soundly in a bed bigger than the one I’m used to :)
At midday 12 of the previous nights guests got together for a nice Sunday lunch at a nearby pub/restaurant. I had prawn cocktail to start, then share a whole chicken dinner with Kel and then some naughty fudge brownie sundae for pudding washed down with a pint and a milkshake :)
Kel and I were going to go to the cinema that night but by the time we had visited my folks and got back to mine we decided to jus stay in instead. It turned out to be a good idea as my heath took a turn for the worse :o ...